my therapist I've written an email last night because I was very bad, I had stomach pain from tension and excitement. I want to show you the email also
"I have a very big problem for me. I am totally overwhelmed emotionally. I'm no longer clear. Since Days I try to somehow prepare again later, I got my homework done and it got worse and worse. As of today, or yesterday afternoon, I am overwhelmed. Because after I'm completely under pressure, have stomach pain that I must take pills, heart racing and I am totally upset. I really do not know whether it makes sense, even to the end to keep going. I think that all this is still too early for me. I'm probably not ready. I can not sit there and try to like me even, because I can not allow. Just as little can I purchase with my past. I can do all that is expected in the DBT, simply not. The two weeks that I have now can not change it. "She then wrote back to me that our body reflects our soul and if she makes Ramba Zamba, it does the body also. I will not lie to yourself, but practice, by accepting the opinion of other people without judging them and we walk together on and I do not want to be pressured.
me is the emotional too. Those who sit in the group do, I think once all the easier to deal with themselves, I will not, however, and currently I can not convince myself that I am valuable, I feel it is not so I do not lie to me itself I am with meinem Leben absolut unglücklich und ich weiß nicht, wie sich das jemals ändern kann. Ich weiß nur, dass ich es in der Hand habe, da ist es aber in den denkbar schlechtesten Händen. Ich weiß nicht, was das alles noch bringen soll. Aber irgendwas in mir will, dass ich komme. Ich stehe so unter Druck, dass ich wieder um die Selbstverletzung nicht herum gekommen bin und um das nachher zu ertragen, hab ich keinen anderen Weg gesehen. Ich halte mich möglichst lange wach, damit ich möglichst müde und ruhiger bin. Hinzu kommt, dass ich das Bedürfnis habe, mir „die Klatsche“ abzuholen. Rechts und links „patsch patsch.“
Heute dann war Gruppe. Ich ging mit Herzrasen hin und sagte my fellow patients outside the door that I would have no positive feedback. I went with the others in the room and sat down. My therapist was also there again, it was not because of one months since disease. During that time she has had very much contact with my private e-mail in their time. She has told me on Tuesday on the phone that she does not do with every patient. Manchme patients are dear to her heart and important. It was really great the way it has always written me an email. I was very concerned about the time it did, cried, because it did not went well, they've asked how she is feeling. I wanted to be there and comfort her for she had given her comfort. I am also happy to them there. I felt the day before the group was really bad and when my roommate approached me, I said "please do not respond," to which my therapist asked, "I not?" whereupon I told her that she must. My roommate laughed again and made a joke about the fact that I always speak so negatively about me talking. To my therapist, I've said. "Now you laugh at me even from" The roommate asked me if he returns to say something bad about me because every time I'm bad. Then she said, "That makes it even himself," I said to my fellow patients, that I stop and it does nothing. She said that we were in one call talk about it again. Then they, too, I feel that after at least laughed ... It made me angry and I've asked my fellow patients, that he should cease to laugh at me. I said to her: "Now you also made me laugh." She told me that she had not laughed at me. The hour went off and I had to go all the time the urge to get out, because I could hardly bear it. Then I finally got up and asked me if I come back. We must always say that they do not worry. I said yes and I went out and got the door slammed. I got myself in a back corner of the hall is set on the floor. Then they came after a few minutes to me and brought the skill suitcase. I told her that she does not need to bring the first place. She came to me and asked me, what is now my problem. I then said I'm the problem and that the other patients laugh at me and I asked her why she laughed at me. She told me that she had not laughed at me that often so I only get across in a funny way. That's right. She also told me that I often laugh at yourself, and then I said something like "deal" and I told her that I'm not funny today was on and she was right. Then she told me that I was not there should be such that it does not help when I'm only here that I now move should be. I said her that I first considered whether I come and I regret it. She gave me back said that they even after the group ends soon, then there for me is what I was calmed a little.
I was really angry and told her that the other patients only laugh at me and I could pack a punch there. Then they asked me to go back with in the room. I told her that to me is too much, I can not. Then I went along but, I've sat down. Two other patients began because of a homework assignment that was just pointed out, to cry, whereupon she is short with all of us out in the fresh air left. I stood there the whole time with his arms folded and was in completely defensive and protective posture. When she said that we should take a deep breath, I made the first right. When we were back in the room, I'm a few minutes later got up again and I said: "It is not" and went out again. It was almost break and the psychologist who is always there, came to me and asked me if he interferes .. When I said no, he asked, what about me.
Then I told him that I do not feel taken seriously, laugh at me and my parents got me used to be never taken seriously and that this is the worst punishment for me. Then I also told him that I am a figure of fun and will soon come with a clown's nose. I asked him to go home to be allowed. He suggested that I explain to the group why I was outside and wants to go. He then told me that I take this so personally. I went back to the room with him and I asked my therapist if I can just talk to her. To a "yes, but short," she came out to me and I've asked her, telling her that I can not do it today that I've tried it and that I am considering to cancel. But I said also that it can be different again tomorrow .. She told me that I should leave at least next week, then, is to come again. Next week ends the group for me actually, but I have the Opportunity to hang for 4 weeks and turn the attention again to participate. I also told her that I feel hurt by it because earlier, whereupon she replied that she had explained it to me, and she laughed because she looks forward to being there again and I will call them on Tuesday if I stop on Thursday it or not, I still get a certificate from it. Then she wanted to go back into the room and I told her that this changes nothing now, not what what was great. I went in and asked her if I can go now. She said "yes, but if fast." All I was injured today pretty. I feel ridiculed by my fellow patients. Even still Mrs Zinner, even if she says to me that they are not meant me. I feel violated and hurt by it because it is then gone back into the room when I told her that I feel hurt by her and her sentence out that she had explained it to me, I told her that I do not understand me and then more or less leave. The day went pretty backfires. I feel so badly because I was about to close a step toward her and wanted to tell her that I was violated and feel it is no longer mentioned this ... But I can understand the one hand, the break was ended and the group continued and she and the psychologist had indeed taken care of me. I've said goodbye curtly and went ...
I said I'm hurt, because I think they laugh at me. And I know they would never do that, but I feel that way. and she said yes, they laughed, because she is happy to be there again. I do not think they think that I will not let her feelings or anything.
and this morning I said hello ... just distancing I was simply not good.
I think about to write to her or I'll wait till Sunday, then we have a conversation. It is probably better in person, but that's still over a week. I am so fond of her.
me but yesterday said that she always says, if what is, because I also told her that I have often worried that she is angry with me or what to do wrong.
I'm so sweet .........
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